Christian Marriage - Mere Christianity Book 3 Chapter 6 - Episode 19

This episode we discuss Christian marriage - what it is, why it's important and good to the Christian, and more. 

...Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who ask you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect...

1 Peter 3:15

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome back everyone to the Reason Why podcast. I'm Dana, your host, where we are breaking down what Christians believe, why, and how to know whether it's true. Today we're having a continuation from the last chapter of C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity on sexual morality and talking specifically about the Christian marriage. Lewis Whitty, as always, starts out right away acknowledging two things. This is not the most popular topic. And last chapter it leaned pretty negative. Secondly, who is he to be talking about marriage? Because he was in fact not married. But he speaks on it nonetheless because it's actually that important when we're talking about Christianity and its beliefs. Also, as you'll see, he addresses things that can be seen, whether you're married or not. Sweet side note, our boy Jack did get married later in life, and it's a really beautiful and heartbreaking story, and he writes about it in A Grief Observed. If you want to read that short book, I know that it's helped a lot of people. But back to the topic at hand, marriage. This chapter breaks down into three main ideas. First, marriage and its relation and interaction with the virtue of justice. Second, in love versus a settled love. Thirdly, and briefly, the prescription of man as the head in this marriage dynamic. Now, here I'm going to be honest again with you guys, but this was another chapter that I was not totally comfortable with or looking forward to because it's getting pretty personal. Now I've been married for almost 18 years, but I've also experienced divorce. So this hits close to home for me. But as Louis says later in this book, I'm telling you what Christianity is. I did not invent it. If you've been following this series from the beginning, we've been building a case for Christianity step by step, through observations and reasonable deductions. Trust me, I get why and how some of this content is going to ruffle feathers and rub the wrong way, but if Christianity is true, then the one who designed us would understand how we function best. Lewis starts with explaining how marriage and justice are very much intertwined. His point isn't just physical compatibility, it's that sex points to a deeper kind of union. Two lives being joined into one, physically, emotionally, and covenantly. A total union. When we isolate one part of that union, we pull it out of the context in which it was designed for. He likens it to trying to isolate the pleasure of taste from the rest of the actions that it obviously and rightly should be with, swallowing and digesting. Lewis is arguing that when we separate sex from the kind of complete or all-encompassing union it was designed for, something becomes disordered. Not necessarily in a medical sense, but in the sense of being out of alignment with its purpose. Okay, so if a man and a woman united in marriage are intended to be united totally, then that also means united for life. Different Christian traditions handle this differently, but most agree that divorce is never the ideal and only considered in serious, broken situations like unfaithfulness or abandonment. But let's get back to Lewis's point. It is that divorce is a serious, heavy, and in a lot of ways, a deeply painful rupture on those it happens to, and should be avoided, except under extreme conditions, much more than just a avoided or dissolved business agreement. And what he's highlighting is the view of switching partners simply because you no longer love each other or are unhappy, essentially feelings-driven. That's what society is teaching us. And this is where the virtue of justice comes in. Remember, four chapters ago, we said part of justice is keeping promises. Well, when we get married, we're making promises to one another, and one of those promises is to stay together for life. Lewis says that promise has nothing to do with sexual morality, but everything to do with justice. He also says that if we make that promise, viewing it as just a formality, then we're being dishonest, and maybe we even are just hoping to get the attention and respectability associated with marriage without intending to pay the price. We're imposters. So as Christians, we marry to unite ourselves totally in every way, and we marry for life. We make that promise. We uphold ourselves to the virtue of chastity before marriage and justice after, because promises may be made while feelings are high, but they're made because feelings change. Lewis moves into a second point on this topic. Being in love, while good and valuable and often a catalyst, is not the same or even as valuable as staying and settling yourself in a love rooted in promise, respect, honor. We all know, or will learn quickly in life, that feelings, even the strongest ones, will change. And then they'll change again. And again, the human heart is fickle and untrustworthy. Now, don't get me wrong, our feelings are important, but they aren't always stable enough to carry the full weight of lifelong decisions. Add to that, the constant stream of romanticized and exaggerated, even twisted versions of love fed to us through media, like movies and books and advertisements for perfume. We find ourselves quickly, easily, and seemingly hopelessly wrapped up and consumed by our feelings. I'm speaking to you as a Jane Austen fan, guilty as charged. Lewis says that while being in love is better than doing no more than fulfilling your lust or self-centeredness, it's nothing compared to the lifelong commitment of a settled love, regardless of the day's feelings for that person. He acknowledges in love is good. It's better than other things, but it's not the best. He says the settled love is best because being in a constant state of intense in love is not practical or healthy. All of our other pursuits, interests, and responsibilities take a back seat when we're in the throes of love. In the long term, that's detrimental to a good and healthy life. It is so hard to disentangle the intense feelings and emotions we have been programmed by fiction from the truly beautiful, sober reality of subtle stability. Even if you marry the right person, you're not gonna go on being in love forever. They will actually annoy you sometimes. You will disagree, even argue, they may hurt you. But that doesn't mean that what follows is that you made a mistake and therefore you just need to change partners in order to recapture that in-love feeling. A feeling doesn't determine what's right. Lewis wants us to understand that just because the initial thrill may wane and go, that doesn't mean there's no longer value in what we have. He gives us the example of a boy wanting to fly from a young age, and when he joins the Air Force, the thrill he gets at finally getting to do this thing that he's dreamed of for so long. But soon the thrill is gone. As he lives his life, flying becomes normal, steady, and his daily occupation. It's not a sad thing, it's an expected thing, and it's something that can be beautiful when embraced and appreciated. And then from that place of sober interest. Lewis says a previous, vigorous thrill will be compensated by a quieter, more lasting interest. But be warned. Lewis says if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. He cautions to be mindful and careful of our fuels and filters. If we're fueling our minds with and filtering our thoughts and experiences through fake, over-the-top fictional love stories or pornography or altering substances, or even popular yet unrealistic love songs, we're going to be falling in love quite often and not be able to appreciate the reality of true love. Think about long-term marriages you respect. Ask any of them what their secret is. It's not going to be a constant emotional high. No, you're gonna hear answers like commitment, forgiveness, and showing up even when it's hard. Lastly, on the point of divorce and marriage laws, Lewis says we shouldn't expect people who don't follow Christianity to live by Christian marriage standards. But Christians should take those standards seriously. Okay, moving on to Lewis's last point for this chapter, and it's probably even more unpopular than what we've already discussed. In the Christian marriage, the man is the head. Insert that Greek wedding reference here. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants. It's one of my favorite movies. Men and women, husbands and wives, are equal and have equal value. This head business has nothing to do with one being better than the other. Lewis explains that eventually disagreement will come into marriage. How could two individuals agree on everything 100% of the time? Discussions will be had, cases will be made, one may change their mind, but sometimes an agreement cannot be reached. So the plan that God has given us is that through the husband's devotion to the Lord and his complete and sober love for his wife, that husband will make the decision. That in no way condones abuse or mistreatment. Because in Christianity, leadership in marriage isn't about power. It's modeled after Christ, who leads by serving, sacrificing, and laying down his life. So if this idea is being understood as control or dominance, please know that that is a misunderstanding. Lewis then offers a cultural observation, one that people today may or may not agree with. But his main point is that man being the head instead of the woman doesn't have anything to do with ability. And I am way oversimplifying this, but it's it's about structure when agreement can't be reached. If you have found this last point a bit sticky, I get it, and this is where I will, again, encourage you to find and attend a local church that teaches straight from the Bible with sound doctrine and ask your pastor for some help understanding this better. So the big takeaway from this chapter is this Christianity's and God's vision of marriage isn't about suppressing love, though it might sound like that at first. It is about protecting and deepening love into something that lasts beyond our changing feelings. Next time, we're gonna cover what Lewis says is even more unpopular than the last two topics. Can you guess what it is? Comment below what you think it might be. I'm so glad that you tuned in today and made it all the way to the end of this one. If you found it helpful or intriguing or maybe something else, go ahead and share it with a friend and get a discussion started. You can always find more resources and content on my website and at Facebook and Instagram at Seek Truth Here. Remember, friends, the truth is always worth knowing and sharing. I'll see you next time. God bless.